I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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