Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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