p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i will never coherently bang her
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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