Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
