and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
