I think I am morally bankrupt
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
