im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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