i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think I sprained my soul last night
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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