you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
