Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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