worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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