I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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