I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
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It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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I'm like the big dick whisperer.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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