1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
