oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
