I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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