the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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