New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
