my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
