Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
