wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
