the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
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Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
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Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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