On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
