I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
