i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
