I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
