The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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