After last night, I could never be a politician.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
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