So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
