he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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