i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
