True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
