the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
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Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
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She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It's shark week go big or go home
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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