My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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