I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
