Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
