No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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