I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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