dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
we're so committed to being not committed
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
