booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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