Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
