The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
no, he came in my armpit
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
