Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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