He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
