My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
