FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
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