I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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