Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
