Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
