Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
