Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
