Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
