so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize