Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
