i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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