Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
