my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
